5 Good Things: The Lost Etiquette(s)
Thankful this is a trending topic on TikTok.
THE GIFT
When you’re a guest at someone’s house, eternal rule is to bring something. In many cultures it’s customary to bring a gift if it’s your first time visiting someone’s house. Lately my usual has been a candle from Snif, or if they’re not into candles the ever popular Ralph’s coffee cup and saucer.
If you’re an overnight guest, if the host has kids, especially little ones, bring something for them. I usually bring cupcakes or something small like a fun card game. I always offer to treat the host out for a brunch or a dinner before my departure.
If you need a tutorial, see Louie:
NO PHONE POLICY
Learn from Anna Wintour, being on your phone constantly is plain rude. Dining, manicures, public transportation, unless you are under criminal investigation, nobody wants to listen to your phone conversation. If you are in a restaurant, an elevator, on the bus, in a doctor’s waiting room, or in a store and you must take a call - get some fresh air and take it outside.
There should never be a phone on a table when there is food and you’re not alone. I would write that on a post-it so to not forget. If you’re a legit content creator and have to take some food shots, explain yourself and time it. No more than 3 snapshots and then put your phone away. But if you’re not a content creator and need to boast your avocado toast and matcha to the world, you only get 1 snapshot, then put your phone away. Your time on this earth is so limited, spending it face to face with people is what becomes a memory. When you leave this world and you’re on the “other side”, you don’t want to say ‘why did I spend so much time on my phone’. Don’t lose out on making memories.
THE GOODBYE
This happens all too frequently these days, where you’re a guest at a party and it’s time to head out. You become crippled with the options of either going around in search of the host to thank them for a great night OR slipping out the door unnoticed. The correct option to choose is of course, go find the host to thank and say your goodbyes. A very common situation, maybe you’ve had a few too many drinks and just forgot to say goodbye. I’ve done it once for that exact reason, and I’ve also been the host and thought, why didn’t so and so say bye? And that’s how that person is filed away in my mental cabinet. To stay in good graces and to keep it classy, always say thanks and goodbye. Don’t be remembered as the friend who leaves without saying bye.
THE ART OF CONVERSATION
In a public setting, keep everything positive. However even in intimate settings, it’s wise to keep the conversation thoughtful and pleasant. My dad had a golden rule at the dinner table that nobody has a right to ruin someone’s appetite. By doing so, you’re taking food away from a person and that’s just wrong. Not only that but a bad topic is like a sudden downpour of rain when no one has umbrellas. Keep the bad news announcements off the table, at least wait until everyone’s finished eating.
The person that comes to mind when I think of having excellent conversation skills is Graham Norton, of The Graham Norton Show, (if you don’t have BBC, you for sure have YouTube). As the talk show host, he orchestrates the whole hour with ease floating the conversations skillfully between all of his guests while maintaining eye contact and keeping everyone entertained. And yes, of course he has a show runner guiding him through an earpiece, technically feeding facts and figures, but he carries the witty repartee all by himself and very well. Communication is not a gifted skill, it’s learned and practiced. For any social setting, casual or professional, don’t be the only one talking. Ask light, interesting questions and keep soft eye contact. Even if you’re not feeling engaged with the irl group chat, fake that head nod and smile with your eyes. The art of a good conversation is comfortability. You put people at ease, you’re never the cause of awkward silence and you know how to share the verbal space. And stay away from constantly using buzz words, don’t sound like you’re in a school cafeteria. (That is unless you’re actually talking to students, then abbreviate away)
And now that we’ve shifted the majority of our convos through a screen, all the same rules apply. However these days how and what you say in the comments section is forever captured by a screenshot. Don’t communicate your rage to the entire world where everyone from your boss, your family and friends can see that version of you once it’s passed around. A screenshot is the new karma.
TO BE SEATED OR NOT BE SEATED
What I hate about taking public transportation is seeing the general scope of society. Boys, men and even women sitting drowning in their phones unaware, without a care that an elderly person is standing. I’ve watched a pregnant woman standing in front of seated men on the train. How did we lose this important etiquette of offering up your public seat to women, senior citizens, disabled people or anyone who’s carrying bags, they need a seat more than you do. When I see a mom with a small kid I’ll offer my seat to the kid. The mom always says no, and I’ve been told by a mom that it’s probably better that the child sits, keeps the mom in guard position. I realize that chivalry died a long time ago, but the fact that there are mandated signs put up on all public transportation that you must give up your seat to this this and this, it’s no wonder why aliens exist. Chivalry is probably alive and thriving on the other planets.
Etiquette is timeless, not a thing of the past. It is how you’re judged and with good reason. You shouldn’t judge a person based on their clothes, their job or their livelihood. But you will be judged on your mannerisms. It’s best to not lack any.
Normally I can’t stand viral social media trends, but was glad to see that the younger millennials and even some Gen Z are questioning about lost etiquette. There is hope.
Hang in there,
DNAMAG
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