I wish boundaries were as easy as a button to press. It should come with a basic guideline, procedures on how to officially set boundaries. My inner monologue is currently grappling with the lack of know-how as an occasion looms before me. I know at some point, I will have to set boundaries with my family. Without divulging too much of my personal business and trauma, I question if walking away is setting a boundary. To be frank and brutally honest, if I could go no contact with the one family member that I’ve needed to since forever - I would in a second. However, it’s not geographically possible and along with other circumstances. Believe me, in the last two years I’ve been fiddling around with how I can uproot my life out of this country and move myself and my dog so I can have a better life away from the person that abused me. At least once a week, I think about it and lately every other day due to a big family lunch next weekend. I run through my mental list of false excuses not to attend family get-togethers, but this one in particular I can’t seem to get out of since it’s my uncle’s birthday and he was the guarantor for my apartment. I even called him to ask if I can just take him out for lunch the day before and he said ‘but we have to take the family picture.’ He’ll be turning 75, so he wins. Family politics. Also, nobody ever looks happy in our family photos.
I’d like to think that walking out of the room is my boundary, but sometimes I wonder if it is enough. Do narcissistic people recognize walking away as something of a clear message? And nobody brings up the excruciating discomfort of how it feels when exercising the boundary. It doesn’t feel empowering at all, in fact it makes me feel and probably look like a bitch. Something like using NO as a full sentence, walking away with your head held up high should come off as validating, but because it is forced upon you, it is heavy. You’re basically wearing armor, because a boundary is for when you are at war, either with another person or even yourself.
The strongest and more important boundary to have is the internal ones. You versus You. I should be okay with deciding not to go to family functions. Every single time, I leave feeling like a totally different person, not in a good way. Some people excel at making others feel small and I only have myself to blame for allowing it. I don’t know why I still care about what these people think of me, even though I don’t share anything about my life with them. I need to stop believing that I have to prove something to them. [Insert boundary]
The other day I was walking my dog and approaching the library to return some books into the drop slot, this guy before me had around 10 hardcover books to return. I stood a few feet away, but then like clockwork my dog started her viscous barking. The guy turned around, not startled at all, but also not quickening his pace as he slipped in one book at a time through the slot. He smiled at the dog, not me, which all dog parents approve of. Never look at me, look at my dog. By the eighth book as soon as he dropped it into the slot, he turned around again and said to my dog, ‘okay sorry I’ll hurry up.’ Huh, charming, but whatever he might still be a serial killer. My dog stopped barking momentarily as the last book passed through the slot and I got too anxious and moved up to be ready. As soon as the guy sorted himself out, he turned around with an even bigger smile still directed at my dog. Without turning to face me, it was the usual routine of what’s the dog’s name, how old, boy or girl, rescue, then I have to explain that she’s reactive and barks at everyone and yes she might bite so please do not pet or stick your hand out.
Then the guy knelt down on one knee, though he didn’t move closer he was still smiling at my dog. And had not looked at me at all, to which I now assumed he was Ted Bundy Jr. Who smiles and stares at a barking dog. Then he said, ‘I had a reactive dog, but he got sick and you know. But he lived a good life.’ I acknowledged it with a ‘sorry to hear that.’
I don’t know why at that point I had decided to become chatty. I said, ‘Well, not knowing her background, I can only assume that she wasn’t treated in the best way, which is why she feels guarded towards strangers.’ The guy nods his head – still hasn’t glanced at me or anything. ‘I stopped treating her reactivity as a negative thing and instead make sure that I tell her that everything is okay and’ I paused when I realized that he wasn’t listening or looking at me. In well-timed city fashion, loud police sirens blazed the street and I asked myself, why am I trying to talk to this potential serial killer.
Finally, he got up and at this point, my dog had miraculously stopped barking (realistically she was resting her lungs for the next round of fury). Normally she tires herself out, as long as there is no imminent stranger danger – and I did check to see if her hackles were up, they were not. He said, ‘You have to respect their need to want to guard, it’s in their ancestral nature.’ Thanks Animal Kingdom. ‘Dogs invented boundaries. Boundaries are cute.’ He waved at my dog, not at me and walked away from us.
Boundaries are cute, that was the takeaway from that weird, possible Ted Bundy Jr guy, also who borrows 10 books at a time??? I don’t even think you’re allowed to. Anyway, I couldn’t stop thinking about that one line and have transmuted it into a meaningful lesson that yes, boundaries are cute. Setting a boundary is the thing that makes someone alluring and confident. It only shows that you’re assertive and respect yourself.
I can’t accept that walking out of a room to escape someone is the real boundary. Maybe it is, but something tells me that it requires more. More from myself, because I am still afraid. But, now I am starting to get how essential they are if I really want to have the life I need.
Boundaries are cute. Might make that into a hat.
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5 good things
The Vanity Fair lie detector test with Marc Jacobs (notice the discerning smirk when Gwyneth comes up)
The Femme Art Fair, a contemporary art exhibition featuring only women artists
Watch this rare 1977 interview with the artist Georgia O’Keeffe. Have always wanted to hear her voice and diction.
As a writer I’m obsessed with learning other writer’s writing routines. Now I’m officially obsessed with knowing people’s reading routines.
I’ve started the daily countdown of when I can finally turn off the AC. What better way to manifest crisp leaves season than new pairs of socks in Egyptian cotton.
🧦,
dnamag