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Dear City Girl,
This is the first time writing to you. What are we even doing here? Granted everyone and their mother is on Substack these days, but since when are you the avid follower? Scratch that, not everyone is built to be the leader. Nothing wrong with following, as long as the pavement isn’t sticky, you’ll do fine. Good things are ahead.
MY JOURNEY TO REMOVING A TOXIC PERSON FROM MY LIFE.
In actuality, I didn’t remove this person from my life, rather I just stopped being present in theirs. And with the big holiday fast approaching, there is only so much I can personally do to protect myself since this toxic person is a family member. Is it a removable family member? No. In fact we have known each other my entire life, and so my emotional abuse has seen me throughout childhood and well into adulthood.
I wish I can say that it all started with an epiphany, but realistically how these things come about is having to have the literal last straw. Or one day I awoke from a crying nap and realized that it was all tiring. Everyday it was too much. And so, after many motivational TikTok videos, it sank into me that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. I took stock of myself. I prayed, I meditated, I listed in my gratitude journal of every single thing I was thankful for in my life. Every morning or night, I made a point to thank the Universe for one thing I was grateful for, like my life depended on it. Slowly, the days became a little less gray, and like those pivotal montage scenes in a good film, I began to feel stronger and surer of my decision. My decision to emotionally erase this toxic person from my everyday life.
It’s like that song “Matilda” by Harry Styles, the lyrics were written for people like me, “You can let it go. You can throw a party full of everyone you know and not invite your family, ‘cause they never showed you love. You don’t have to be sorry for leaving and growing up…” That song is emotional terrorism, but it so honest and strangely healing. My journey began two years ago and I have only now started to heal. This toxic person didn’t deserve me. That is part of the healing, because to understand that means your insides are rebuilding.
The Removal: Distance makes the heart heal faster. As annoying as it was to manage expectations of someone who never anticipated others, I had to plan when and how to avoid this person. At first I despised the energy that this took out of me, but at the end of the day it saved my sanity. The learning curves were hard, choosing not to react or argue was not easy and took a lot of unnecessary practice. I trained myself to pause, take a deep breath, converse within my mind that it’s my choice whether or not to allow this person to ruin me - again. I never ask for drama, so I have to go. That’s it, the build-up is always bigger and more worry-some than the actual choice, I simply removed myself. I removed my presence from this toxic person’s life.
I read this Buddhist quote about how to be in the presence of a toxic being. The only answer was to do the bare minimum. In a few weeks when I have no choice but to be reunited with my toxic being, I will continue to keep my distance, emotionally that is, creating so much space between us that the drama cannot reach me. The bare minimum is accepting this person’s physical presence, being cordial yet distant and remembering that I can remove myself from their harmful behavior.
I wanted to write about this in case someone else needs to hear it. The journey is long, difficult, but you can always remove yourself. It’s your choice. The journey is also rewarding.
NOW HIRING
Beauty brand Ilia is hiring a Digital Copywriter (Los Angeles, San Francisco)
Thom Browne is hiring a Social Media Specialist (New York, NY)
Parade is hiring a Brand Graphic Designer (New York, NY)
5 SONGS I LISTENED TO WHILE WRITING THIS
So why is it called Dear City Girl? It’s who we are, myself I’m a born and raised (and still living) city kid. It’s all I know and everything I love. DCG will bring a more personal pov to our creative paths and how life imitates art. And vice versa.
Thank you for sticking with us dear readers and if you’re new here, cheers!
🎀 DNAMAG