Redefining the Cool Girl
How to spot her from a crowd.
This post is sponsored by Boyko.
She’s not in a band, or dates the cutest guy in the friend group or has amassed over a million followers on social media. She is not the girl who seems to always find a lap to sit on during happy hours. In films this is how the cool girl is portrayed to us. Serving the cool girl persona as nothing but false advertisement. She was prom queen, voted most popular, drove the best car, wore the most expensive brands and strictly hung out with the in-crowd. The problem with this fictionalized heroine was that they were also the first ones to look down on others who weren’t deemed to be cool enough. Rest in peace cool girl from days of yesteryears.
Well Spoken
Nobody who is actually cool, gossips. That’s it. Once I hear someone that I personally know start to gossip about someone else, I can never take that person seriously, or trust them. In high school this girl Queenie (real name) said this one sentence that has stuck with me forever, “never trust someone who says ‘don’t tell her I told you’” as she went on talking about some high school drama about another girl spreading a rumor about her. Teen stuff, but Queenie was right. Since that day, I always made a conscious effort to never bad mouth anyone especially if they’re not there to defend themselves. I’m nowhere near perfect, but if Queenie never said that to me, I wonder if I’d be the same person I am today. I’ve had enemies, but these enemies were the ones who would gossip false rumors or say that one thing, “don’t tell her I told you.” That is the difference between me and them (thanks Queenie).
Somewhere there is a cool girl who when she talks about another person, it’s about a kind thing they did for them or what a fun, contagious laugh they have. We all probably know a cool girl like this, but we rarely give her credit she deserves.
Imperfect Style
Whether she lives by her messy hair don’t care looks or chooses to wear repeat outfits - to a point that it’s a uniform, she is cool in my book. She doesn’t try to catch up on the next or current trends. Her style may not even evolve through the years, but she can walk confidently into any room not allowing other people’s tastes to identify with her own nor let their judgement be any of her business.
Table Manners
I’m not referring to fine dining etiquette, but a gesture as simple and generous as pouring water into your glass before their own. Such a tiny act of casual thoughtfulness that lets you know this girl thinks of others. Another way to exercise true kindness is when someone at a dinner spills a drink and instead of speaking aloud and bringing it to everyone’s attention, just hands her napkin to help clean it up. I’ve witnessed this happen before and remember thinking to myself ‘I want to be that cool and calm of a person to do that for someone.’
Also a perfect example of how a cool girl comes to the quiet rescue is this TikTok of Vanessa Kirby with Pedro Pascal as she instantly without words helped him during an oncoming panic attack.
Gratitude is her attitude
I had a work colleague who was not exactly a mentor, but did the little things that lets me hold her in high regards. It was one New Year’s Eve party at her posh Tribeca loft (Sofia Coppola lived in the same building) where the ambience was chic and Instagram worthy. It was evident she came from family money, because no single mid 20-something girl who worked in fashion could’ve earned enough to live at such an address. A few days into the new year I found on my work desk an envelope addressed to me and inside was a handwritten thank you note from the hostess. In fairly simple penmanship she wrote how it was great ringing in the new year with me and thanking me for coming. At the bottom was a quick P.S. “And you were the only one who didn’t ask me about which apartment was SC!’s” followed by a happy face. Cool girls also remember the littlest details.
Handwritten thank you’s are so rare, more than anything in this world today. Expressing thankfulness doesn’t necessarily imply that one is from a well-bred background, although sometimes people have a way of making it seem exclusive. Regardless, I would love to belong to a society where handwritten thank you notes are the most normal thing. I really miss stationery.
Undersharer
When you think you know someone and feel good about who this person is in your life whether intimate or professional, and then discovering something that was so unknown about her only to reaffirm how glad you are that this person is in your life. It could be an alluring fact that she spent a year in Ghana to teach English to school kids (which is what I found out about a friend a few years back). Or that she was once an exceptional gymnast in her younger years, but decided early on not to pursue since competing wasn’t her thing. Today we are influenced on a daily basis to share share share every single task we do from morning to night and to brag about our highs and even our lows to complete strangers, all for attention, but in reality it is all data (that we will never own but supply for free). Being mysterious, while still being an open and giving person is a higher form of coolness to me.
Other miscellaneous feats of coolness
Speaks more than 1 language. Coming from an immigrant household, that’s a given, but being open-minded enough to learn more languages shows that you can embrace cultures and people thoughtfully.
Compliment giver, but actually genuine. I am trying to be better at this myself. One day on a busy crosswalk, a woman randomly said in passing “you have great hair!” and continued walking on without letting me get in a fast thank you. My hair was day 2 of a blowout and the way that compliment zoomed by me, truly made me feel wonderful about myself. I do want to be the person who can throw out a genuine compliment to a stranger, because best case scenario is that they needed to hear something good about themselves that day.
Solo diner, well you already know my stance on this, but if you’re new here please read The Art of Eating Alone.
They don’t do favors, they just do. There’s people who are always willing to do a favor for you, but you know that it will have to be formally reciprocated later on, which is fine. Then there’s that person who doesn’t even have to think twice about helping someone out solely because it’s the right thing to do. Helping others shouldn’t be in form of a favor, it’s what you naturally want to do for someone in need. Receipts are for takers, not givers.
In search of the cool girl
We need to get over the fandom of adoring and admiring the most popular girl. Popularity is something you have to work at obtaining relentlessly only to continue to reach new heights of staying popular so that people will like you. Meanwhile, on the side lines sits a girl who reads her book silently, consoling a woman crying on the bus, walking an elderly woman across the street, working in a soup kitchen or paying for a stranger’s gas total who happens to be a stressed out single mom of 3 kids. If you happen to see her, throw her a compliment as you pass by.
Thanks to Boyko for sponsoring today’s post.
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Stay cool,
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