You’ve seen that meme around, “creative people need time to sit around and do nothing.” True or false? First, define what nothing is and second, who gets to speak for all creative people in general? I guess I’ll take a go at it.
It is the right of every creative person to remain invisible. Banksy is a fine example of that. J.D. Salinger went into his reclusive lifestyle as soon as he caught fame for The Catcher in the Rye. Sometimes it is truly necessary, almost like how a fish needs water to survive. It’s not that creative types relish in disappearing from everyday life, becoming invisible is a way of protection.
This week has been tough for me personally and mostly emotionally. I’m thankful to have a dog, because if I weren’t a dog mom, I would debilitate into my sadness, draw the curtains shut and not step outside to breathe fresh air, new light, possibly for days. I had a run-in with my abuser (who is also a family member) and was left emotionally torn, broken on the inside and completely worn out. Even a few days later, as I am writing this - the physical toll normally comes late as do the tears, it is exhausting. The exhaustion comes when it’s time to wipe off all the hatefulness that was thrown at you, and when you know it’s time to rebuild yourself. That’s where I am now. I am in the repair shop.
When I look at my weekly planner and read the list of tasks, these responsibilities and goals diminish in power. I have given my abuser that control over me, but only for the first few days of its aftermath. I stop replying to texts, it takes all the energy I can muster to formulate work emails, no desire to write and I feel alone. And that sentence “I feel alone” doesn’t need to sound worrisome, because I think creative people once they feel wounded, needs to take a break not from reality, but the people closest to them. A lot of that probably comes from a place of hurt and the fear of having to show your most vulnerable sides. I don’t want to engage with others right now, not until I feel up to it. Not until I am back on the high ground of the living, where I willingly want to laugh at jokes, enjoy sentiments and memes. I’m not there yet. I guess that’s part of the trauma.
People have said that the most creative people suffer in emotional ways that other non-creative human beings cannot fathom. Are we constructed so differently that rejection, pain and loss include a different grieving process? It’s totally possible, because artists tend to give everything inside of them into their work.
When I came across this TikTok a few weeks ago, it stayed with me, because it completely makes sense and is relatable. The disappearing act.
When trauma hits, my guard goes all the way up. But inside my mind, I am still imagining things, ideas and tidbits that I mentally bookmark (or if I have enough energy scribble it on a post-it) for creative projects. The creative notion never actually stops, but the shell of the person that is myself has fallen into pieces. Yet like that saying goes, I fall down seven times, and get up eight, because I have to and eventually want to.
And with trauma comes a routine. Hard to face the mornings, so I sleep in a little later than my usual ambitious 6am. My appetites are suppressed from the insecurities, so all meals become minimal. One piece of toast, instead of two. The thought of making pasta seems like a huge feat. A bag of Cool Ranch Doritos is suffice. My post-it that reads “this week 2nd drafts” stares back at me, I pretend it’s not there. I do a quick run-through on my calendar of any meetings I can possibly reschedule for the following week. I decide not to wash my hair, again for the second day in a row. What’s the point, nobody is allowed to see me. I don’t want to watch things that are happy, but thankfully I watched the new Bridgerton before my emotional relapse occurred. I listen to paranormal podcasts, particularly Ghost Huns. I walk my dog three times a day, which is the only silver lining. In between those hours, I spend it in bed or the couch, either reading or watching some dumb mediocre show since I don’t feel like I deserve to watch quality programming just yet. Although, I do keep myself busy, just not with the high priority tasks like writing my second drafts or doing more research for a client. I am basically what the TikTok kids call a girl rotting.
I don’t want to be found right now, allow me to heal and fix myself.
Like I mentioned, I find myself in the repair shop where I am wallowing in a hurt corner of self pity, surrounded by a large gated fence. No one is allowed entry for the time being. However, here I am writing to you, explaining little details of what I’m going through and I know it’s helping. I can already start to feel okay again. Writing and music have always been my tools for saving myself and healing my wounds.
Thanks for reading this far, I’m almost there. 🌷
5 SONGS THAT HELP ME THROUGH THE MEAN REDS
Vampire Empire by Big Thief
The Journey by H.E.R.
Karma Police by Radiohead
Strangers by The Kinks
Step by Vampire Empire
NOW HIRING
5 GOOD THINGS
Offline is for cool people. If you’re hoping to find your people, The Offline Club throws events (offline) and digital detox hangouts.
The Nepo Baby strikes again: Sofia Coppola’s daughter Romy Mars released her first 2 singles. Her dad is Thomas Mars of Phoenix, talk about pressure. Coming soon to a Sofia Coppola film soundtrack.
Cannes Film Festival hit: Emilia Pérez a trans and Mexican cartel Spanish-language film starring Selena Gomez and Zoe Saldana.
The start of summer is always Memorial Day Weekend in the States. For New Yorkers who are not keen on the Hamptons or elsewhere, though lucky enough to be stranded in the city, this weekend the Hester Street Fair arrives in 2 locations.
For the Spotify girls, inspired by Gen Z’s playlist hub, Lorem, the Lorem cap comes in 3 colors. *Paid subscribers received a discount code originally published here.
Using the lyrical words of Vampire Weekend, “the gloves are off, the wisdom teeth are out” - I always come out of this stronger. And hopefully, more inspired.
Hug your homies,
DNAMAG